Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
