I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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