I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
