dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
