I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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