either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
