mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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