I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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