Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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