I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
