One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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