i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
