In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
