God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
