This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
