kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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