If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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