I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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