you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
