I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
