How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
