Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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