If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize