I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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