You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
