My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
