I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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