actually, I'm a sock model
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
