Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
