would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
