Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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