I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
