My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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