i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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