can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
