Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
