I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
