Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
