My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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