I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
