We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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