im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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