We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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