she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
