I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
