Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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