We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
