i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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