My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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