Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Two words: blizzard sex
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
