Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
