he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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