FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
