i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
