If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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