did you get engaged???
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
