PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
