ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
