hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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