did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
