This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
